June/July/August

 I'm still here. Still trying to lose this weight. Nothing to report. I feel like I should be further along. I realize every journey is different. But it is messing with my head. I will blog when I have actual things to report. 

Hardest.Journey.EVER.

April/May Update

 I apologize for not updating in April. Honestly, been on the struggle bus lately. I have hit a plateau in my weight loss. Hovering about 50-55 lbs. It's my fault. I have been struggling with my eating. Why does bad food taste so good? I had been telling myself for so long that I couldn't have any of the carbs I used to have. Like chips & candy. Then I thought I was 6 months post ok, I should be okay. Everything in moderation, right? Well it opened the flood gates! I started and I couldn't stop. Big mistake. It is like something came over me. 

So now, I am trying to get back on track. Trying to track my food. Trying to eat a low sodium diet. Trying to chew my food thoroughly. I am trying. Everything is overwhelming. I realize my addiction to food consumes me. I tend to stress eat. My job stresses me out. I so badly want to break the chains of this demon over me. Every second of every day is a constant battle with myself. People ask, "Doesn't feel so good to have lost that weight?" Yes it does. Momentarily. I forget about it when I eat.  I have issues. But I shall persevere. Slow and steady wins the race. I am sorry for the depressing post. It's where I am. I am my harshest critic. So I hate myself still most days. How I long to be someone who loves myself. Maybe I will get there one day. I also just feel alone on this weight loss path I am on. No one really understands what I am experiencing. I tend to set expectations for people to maybe get me through something. But in the end, it's just me fighting the battle against myself. Pray for me. I keep thinking if I could just hit that 60lb mark, I will maybe be more motivated. But it is taking some time getting there. 

March Update

 Hey Everyone! 

I can't believe March is almost over. I started March being 57lbs down. I am ending March being 50lbs down. *Sigh* I am trying. It is so hard to stay motivated. I know I am not always going to lose. As long as I don't continue to gain. I have been struggling with swelling again in my foot also. So some of that is water weight. 

I do have a praise! Two weeks ago, my doctor took me off off my blood pressure and cholesterol medication. YAY! I have been on that for 20 years. So to be off of them wad exhilarating. It brought tears to my eyes. But a few days after I went off my BP med (that was also a water pill), my foot started to swell. Doctor said to monitor it and watch my sodium. But yet, the swelling continued. The one water pill I am on was not enough. So Dr put me on HCTZ. Take away 2 pills, add 1 more. Trying to not focus on that. Being off BP and cholesterol meds is HUGE!

A few days ago, I felt off. I had a headache. I took my BP, it was very high for me. I have been checking my blood pressure 3xs/day. So I was becoming familiar with my numbers. I was averaging about 111/64. So when I felt off, my BP was like 138/82. I waited 30 minutes and took it again. It was like 141/84. That scared me! I didn't know if I just needed to run home and take a BP pill or if I needed to go to ER. I tried to call my doc, had to leave a message. With shaking hands, I tried to call my local  nurse friends. Nothing. I sat there praying and trying to calm down. I knew me stressing was not helping. Finally the nurse at my doctor's called me back. She proceeded to tell me that my blood pressure was in the okay range. But I don't understand. Normal is 120/80, right? Anyways, I took my BP after I hung up with them and it had come way down. 

If you're the praying type, please pray for me to stay motivated. I need an accountability partner, for sure! I am my harshest critic. I hate that I have gained weight. Feel like a huge failure. I got off track. I am trying to get back on track. I really need Easter candy season to end. Because right now, I want ALL the Reese's eggs. And I mean all of them! I would love to hit 340 by end of April. 

I shall persevere....

Hair Today....

Hello everyone! 

I am trying to update this blog at least monthly. I barely made it for February! Let's talk hair. Or the lack of. At the beginning of February, I noticed that my hair was shedding A LOT more than normal. I had heard about hair loss happening for bariatric patients. But my doctor told me that as long as I kept my protein up, I would be fine. Well, that is not true. The one thing I make sure that I am getting in is my protein. And yet, my hair is falling out. I really notice it when I am showering. I brush my hair before I shower, handful of hair. Wash my hair, handful of hair. Comb my hair after getting out of shower, another handful of hair. It is very concerning. I reached out to my hairstylist, she told me to take some Biotin. So I immediately bought some gummy vitamins. Because vitamins in pill form are pretty harsh on my stomach. So I feel 5 because my Bariatric vitamin is a chewable one also. But I digress. Back to the subject. I have never been someone who was vain. I am low maintainence when it comes to myself because I am not a girly girl. But me losing my hair is really affecting me. I have always had really thick hair. So if you look at me, you can't tell I am struggling with hair loss. 

I saw my surgeon on this past Monday. The nurse said that anesthesia can do that to hair. The surgeon said it could be the low carbs but also just the basic stress that my body is going through. Nurse and doctor both said to take Biotin. 😐 Which I had already starting taking. But wanted to see what they would say. A few days later, I noticed my already small eyebrows were suddenly smaller. *Sigh* I wonder if that has to do with what is going with my hair as well. I bought an eyebrow pencil. I have no idea how to use it. Again, low maintenance here. I am also afraid that I may forget that I have brow stuff on and smear it. Lol. Maybe I should get my eyebrows micro-bladed. 🤔 Back to my hair, I saw my hairstylist a few days ago, she assured me that this I was okay. She told me to also take collagen and Folic Acid. Great, more stuff to take. *Sigh* And that she has dealt with bariatric patients in the past and their hair always "evened out" eventually. I sure hope that is the case for me. I am trying to not let it bother me, but it is. 

Change of subject. I had something scary happen to me on Friday. At my appt on Monday with Dr, they did a lap band adjustment on me. I have a port that saline is inserted in to help with hunger in between meals. I have to do a liquid diet for 24 hrs, then soft food, etc. Thursday night I was able to eat normal. Friday my co-manager and I went to lunch. A few bites into my meal, my food was stuck in my esophagus. I follow a lap band group on Facebook. So I knew what was going on with me. But it was the 1st time I had experienced it. It was a horrible feeling. It was like I was having a heart attack. But I could feel the food in my esophagus. From my understanding, this happens when you eat too fast or don't chew your food thoroughly. This feeling lasted about 10 minutes. I finally felt the food go down. But by that time, I had to get a to go container as our lunch was almost over. Three hours later, I decided to have some more of my lunch. I thought I was chewing slow and paying attention. But the food got stuck again.  This time the pain was worse. Obviously I shouldn't be vomiting at all, but for lap band patients, vomiting can mess up my band. I kept trying to swallow, nothing. I vomited a small amt in the bathroom. I thought I was okay. So I went back to my office, but the pain came back even worse. I went outside for some fresh air. The feeling of food being stuck in your esophagus is HORRIBLE. I wasn't choking. I could still breathe. But I could feel the stuck food. I am not one to induce vomiting. So I just kept swallowing and praying the food would go down. It didn't. Instead it came up. As soon as I was done, instant relief. But I never want to experience that again. EVER!

Hopefully the vitamins work for me. And that I remember to slow down and chew thoroughly!

Good on you

Well, it’s crazy to say this, but I’ve hit my 50lb mark. I had one of those moments where I stepped on the scale, saw the number. Rubbed my eyes, said that can’t be right, stepped off, and then stepped back on to be sure I was seeing correctly. But I was seeing correctly. I squealed with delight. I then proceeded to dance down my hallway. I can see my body changing right before my eyes. Sometimes I will catch a glimpse of myself in window or mirror. I stop because I can really see the difference in my stomach. It’s not sticking out as much as it used to. I can tie my shoes and breathe at the same time. The fat rolls in my body are getting smaller and I can see the difference. 

This journey I’m on is a daily fight with my inner self. I am realizing food is more of an addiction than I originally thought it was. I’ve had to make some health adjustments. I am still measuring and tracking my food. Which is becoming very tedious and I’m over it. But I have found out that when I don’t do this, I go crazy and just eat whatever. I have learned that I can’t trust myself and for the time tracking and measuring will need to continue for the time. One of the changes I’ve had to make was the decision to eat meat again. For 3 ½ years, I was a vegetarian, only eating dairy. No beef, poultry, or fish. I had originally did it for health reasons. But the thought of raw meat would gross me out. A month before my surgery, the nutritionist had me really cut down by carbs. It was at that point that I really began to worry about my health after the surgery. I have to have 60g of protein a day. I’m not a fan of a lot of the imitation meat substances like tofu, etc. I can have beans, but in small amts. So as a vegetarian, I was really struggling as to how I was going to do this. Before surgery, I consumed A LOT of dairy. Good on protein, not good on your digestive system. It was becoming very overwhelming to me to try to figure out what to eat and how to be healthy and get in this protein. It was causing way more stress for me than I needed. I already have a lot of stuff I must remember after the surgery. So once I was able to eat normal food again after surgery, I made the decision to eat meat again. Because my health is more important. I do have a protein shake in the morning to try to offset some of the needed protein. But eating meat again takes out the guessing of what I can and can’t have. It is so much easier to prep. I’m not ready to handle raw meat yet. So I have been getting a rotisserie chicken from the store and portioning it out. One chicken will give me a full week’s full of meals. I also eat tuna. Call me a hypocrite, it’s okay. I feel like I am. But I’ve come a long way in the past 8 months and put myself through a pretty serious surgery. So for once, I need to stop being so stubborn and suck it up. It is what it is. 

I’m learning the balance of eating healthy. Keeping my carbs low. But also allowing myself a small piece of chocolate if I am having a sweet craving. One piece is fine, but previously I would eat the entire bar in one setting or even eat 2 bars. So I portion out the chocolate as well. That small piece curbs the craving and it is enough for me. And it’s the good chocolate, the kind where you can understand the ingredients and it cost a little bit more. I recently saw my 18-year-old cousin. He has got a good head on his shoulders and we always have these deep conversations. I was talking to him about my weight loss journey thus far. He is currently employed at a gym and is all about “pumping” himself up physically. I was telling him about me eating meat. And what my portion sizes are as well as meal prepping with all these containers in my fridge. He was giving me some small tips to help me along the way. I told him I would like to walk a 5K, then eventually maybe run one. He said, “You can do it. I know you can.” Then he said, “Good on you” then gave me a fist bump before heading out. His “Good on you” and fist bump really touched my heart. Because he’s 18 and a lot of people his age just really don’t want to communicate with us “old folks” and could care less about things we have going on. It made me feel proud of myself. 

Good on you, Bran. Good on you.

To Swell or Not To Swell...that is the question

Hello! Look at me posting another blog! *Pats self on shoulder* Let's talk about swelling today. *Sigh* 

Not my favorite subject as of late. Last year or so, I was having some major issues with my feet and ankles swelling. I went to my doctor and he checked my heart and kidneys and saw no reason for concern. Determined the swelling was situational because of my weight. At the time, he didn't want to put me on any type of water pill as I was already on one that is included in my blood pressure medicine. It continued to get progressively worse. To be honest, I just dealt with it. I didn't want yet another medication to be on. When I started this weight loss journey in the Spring, I was weighing myself constantly. It was up and down all the time and varied between 5-10lbs. I was making myself crazy, but my feet were continuing to swell causing my frequent change in weight. Over the summer while at a family get together, my family became very concerned about how bad my feet and ankles were swollen. I brushed it off, told them it happened all the time. But deep down, their concerns scared me. So I called my doctor again.The NP checked me out again and really thought it was all still situational. "Some overweight people just swell for no reason." is what she told me. I guess I am some people. I was put on a trial of water pill for 2 weeks from the NP, follow up in 3 weeks as NP wanted to see what 2 weeks of the medicine would do. The 2 weeks I was on the meds, everything was great! Minus peeing 25 times a day. :) But a few days after I stopped my 2 week dose, my feet began to swell again. *Sigh* This time I had to see the doctor as it was clear I needed to be put on the water pill full time. But since Lasik is such a hard pill on your kidneys, I needed to have labs ran 2 weeks later to check my levels. Of course, my potassium levels were too low. Doctor immediately put me on potassium pills. Have you seen these things?!? HORSE PILLS! They are so big. Even cutting them in half, I struggled to swallow them. I hated them. But I took them as instructed every day. On the day of my surgery, the anthesiologist saw I was on potassium and wanted to check my levels before I had surgery. My level was very low. Even lower from when I had my labs done previously after 2 weeks of starting water pill. It was concerning to the anthesiologist, my surgeon, and me that my levels were so low, even with taking potassium every day for the past month. They hesitated actually doing my surgery. But they decided that based off what I was telling them with my lack of symptoms and an EKG that my heart could handle the surgery. But I needed to follow up with my regular doctor ASAP. Appt with my NP 4 days after my surgery. She decided to take me off the water pill as it was obvious that it was too much for my body to handle. But stay on the potassium for now. 

My swelling was gone and my feet and ankles appeared normal. I thought that was all behind me. I was wrong. Two weeks after stopping the water pill, the swelling started coming back. After 2 days of the swelling getting more and more present, I called the dr again. I was scheduled for same day appt. Meanwhile, my scale is going in the in the WRONG direction! It's going up. :( Dr put me on another different water pill, it takes the fluid off slower, but it potassium sparing. So it won't mess me up like the last one did. And I get to get off the horse pill I'm on now. I have my 1st post op appt this week. I'm fearful of getting on the scale. Fearful of what my dr will think. I know the weight gain is because of the fluid. Because I have been following my new lifestyle to a "T". I have been eating healthy, weighing/portioning out my food, exercising. I have not even allowed myself any small treats for Christmas at all. Only because I am mentally not ready for that challenge. I have been doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. But the scale does not show that...and it's really messing with my head. 

Sorry for the long post about my swelling issue. All cards are on the table, the good and bad. I know this is a bump in the road. I'll get passed it. But so soon after surgery, it is disheartening to have come so far and see those numbers decrease, then all of a sudden increase.

A New Journey

 Hello, Blogging world! 

How are ya? It sure has been a long time since I sat down and wrote. I decided to start a new blog, a fresh start for this journey I am on. My weight loss journey. But this will be more than weight loss, it will be about finding the new me. But also not forgetting who I am and not losing the best parts of myself. It may be raw and deep on here. I have lots to say. About my weight, but also about life. I just keep a lot to myself most times. 

Okay, let's start with the main reason why I decided to start blogging again. It was actually my best friend's suggestion that I start this up again. Weight loss surgery. *Gasp* Yep. I had weight loss surgery on 11/19/2020. I had the Lap band Surgery. 

My entire life I have been fat. For a good portion of my life, I have been considered morbidly obese. I am not exaggerating. Doctors have called me that for a long time. I vividly remember being bullied as a child for my weight. A lot at school. But even from family. Growing up I have heard, "Brandy, you're so pretty. But you would be so much prettier if you just lost weight." Yeah that came from family. Even though I consider myself a strong person, that still bothers me. It is still a voice in my head. It still causes me so much pain. It is a lot of the reason why I feel I am still single. Because minus my weight, I feel like I am a pretty decent human being. Why wouldn't someone love me? 

I did not have surgery in hopes that it would make me find love. There is no way I would put myself through 6 months of prep work that included numerous doctor appts, nutritionists appts, a psychologist appt, and lots of lab work, and this major surgery along with the continued work after surgery for a man. Nope, Brandy does not play that!

I did this for me. Because I want to be healthy. Because I was tired of being considered morbidly obese. Tired of going to a restaurant and wondering if I could fit in their booths. Tired of asking for seat belt extensions on airplanes. Tired of being so exhausted all the time. Tired of shopping online because I am too big for clothes in stores. Tired of limiting myself because something is not "fat people friendly". My fellow big girls know exactly what I am talking about. I see you. I love you.

Two weeks after surgery, I actually feel great. I don't even feel like I had surgery. I was released from diet restrictions yesterday. So I am free to eat normal. Well not my normal. I am learning again how to eat. Eat smaller portions. Eat healthier. And real talk, I am super excited for veggies again. I am in need of serious fiber. Because a side effect pre-op diet as well as post options diet is constipation. I told you guys, real talk. I have been  drinking Miralax. But it is not helping as much as I thought. The nutritionist told me this week this is all normal. Bleah. So bring on the veggies and fiber! 

I shall stop rambling now. I have more to say but it is early, and my coffee is done. But I have been up since four. I shall leave you with pics here soon.

April 2020: I weighed exactly 400lbs. The highest I have weighed. 

11/30/20 weight: 363

Total loss so far: 37lbs! 

The nutritionist told me this week, they anticipate me to lose 124lbs in the 1st year! That seems overwhelming. But then I broke it down my %. I have lost roughly 25% of the needed amount. A fourth of the goal. Breaking it down that way put a huge smile on my face. So I made this visual as a reminder. 

This was July 2020. Still at 400lbs.

3 days after surgery. 

3 days after surgery